There are times when I want to be alone, times when the memories cause more pain than I want to bear. I know I can’t walk away. I can’t get up and leave for a more perfect place. That’s impossible, because the memories come with me. They have become so entwined, so entangled in my being that we can no longer be separated. The memories create what I am, influence all I do. They have not only become part of me, they have become me.
Few know where the graves are at the ranch. Under the soil are more than 150 horses. Into that soil I’ve shed a million tears, for each death took part of my heart. From thoroughbreds to Quarter horses to ponies to puppies, most of them came to the end of their precious life in my arms, each looked at me with fading eyes, and I cried as I let them go.
I never liked sharing that moment with other humans, although there are times when I must. Saying a forever goodbye to someone for which we have taken total responsibility is the most heart retching moment we can have, and almost all of them came to their final sanctuary because we opened the gates and our hearts to them.
Three more passed away last week, one of them a life long resident. Jasmine came to the ranch far back in the beginning because she had no place else to go. We adopted her out three times and all three times she was only gone a few weeks. With each new family she either developed choke or colic and all three times she was returned. Our unwritten rule is that after three adoptions, the horse stays, and she did. She had no use for other horses, didn’t really care for people, but she felt safe here. This was her home.
Another horse, a beautiful gray mare, had cancer. Operated on twice, the cancer became aggressive. There was no upside, so we left her to enjoy her last few weeks, let her be until the pain was evident. The third was a gelding, older, fighting the agony of arthritis. We tried everything the vet could throw at us, and kept him pain free to munch hay and talk with the other horses – until nothing else worked.
There are so many others, so many love stories that I could share with you, stories that demonstrate the deep love that horses have for one another. Some of the horses loved people far more than other horses. Some simply gave up on love, on wanting, on caring, and came to the ranch to die. Each, in their own way, was a perfect horse, for that there is no question. They made it through the gates, into the safety of our arms, and closed their eyes forever. We shed our tears while they took their final breath and while we held them, we knew that we would never be the same. Each precious one took a little piece of our heart with them. Their memories will dwell in us until we too pass from this earth.
We did a seizure with law enforcement last week, a beautiful, extremely thin stud. Two days ago the court awarded him to us. He’ll be gelded and, in a few months, he’ll be strong and healthy again. Today we completed two more seizures, a total of five new horses. Next week we’ll let the Judge decide their fate, but until then they will have the love and attention they deserve. I have little doubt that they will be with us far past next week.
The easy part is bringing them in and making them well. The hard part is finding them a special someone so they can spend the rest of their lives making memories.
The healthy horses stand waiting, wanting, reaching out for love. Sometimes they cry out, yet few people, if any, hear them. Sometimes they stand at the gates waiting for someone. Sometimes they stand alone in a far off corner, lost in their own memories. They all want the same thing we humans want – love, respect, a gentle touch, a soft voice. Love is so important, for us and for them. It creates us, breathes life into our souls, transforms us into radiant beings.
There, in the pasture, they stand waiting for you. There stands the possibilities of your future memories, memories that will change you for the rest of your days. Do you have room in your pasture? Is there room in your heart?
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Visit http://habitatforhorses.org to view the adoptable horses, then call us at 409-935-0277.
Karen T
May 13, 2012 at 11:51 am
Jerry, we too lost a much cherished friend, Paulina, a week or so ago. We had been fostering her for an equi-therapy center for 9 years. She was a beautiful Peruvian Paso with suspensory ligament disease. She fought her disease & pain valiantly. Paulina participated in settling and teaching many of the young HFH fosters we have had, being that she was 4 times a mom before we got her. Thomas, another one of yours took good care of Paulina until we lost him last year, at which time I wondered why I was doing this. But I get it, they each deserve the opportunity to live out their lives surrounded by horses and people who love and respect them and the contributions they have made to humanity. All at HFH are in our thoughts as prayers as you continue this journey.
Sheri Spiller
May 12, 2012 at 4:11 pm
Very beautifully written. Thank you for everything you do for horses. I hope to visit your ranch one day and adopt one into our home. I have a quarterhorse, a thoroughbred and a minature and don’t know what I would do without them. They listen, give unconditional love and always happy to see you. When I first started visiting your website I was in disbelief of how some of the horses were treated when they were siezed. I am glad Jasmin had a happy safe place. God Bless you!
Nancy Bertolo
May 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm
God Bless You Jerry. And thank you for all you do for horses. And for how you touch our hearts with your words. You are an inspiration to so many!
Geri
May 11, 2012 at 9:01 pm
I am so sorry for your loss~this is always the hardest part of having four legged family members. I have never had to adopt-the good Lord has always seen fit to send a homless and hungry cat my way. I found my rescue after a tragedy in my life and although I fostered mamma cats and thier kittens I always loved the old ones the most. When we sold our home last summer( I have a couple of old girls of my own and several old girls I was fostering) we moved several hours away to my youngest sons home. I knew the resscue would not let me take the fosters that far so we went down and adopted all of them. They were the last we moved and when we put them in our astro van it was like taking a bunch of girls out for lunch, they talked and looked out the windows and crawled all over my husband and I and when we got home all their stuff was there and they never looked back–I am lucky that my girls trusted me and home for them is werever I am. Some day I hope to add some hoved to my paws family.God willing.
Bev Herzog
May 11, 2012 at 7:11 pm
God Bless you Jerry and your workers, thank you.
sherriey
May 11, 2012 at 5:45 pm
God bless you, Jerry….your love and loss is shared by many here…as we all so love and care for those that need us. thanks…..my tears are for you and yours.
Pamela Vise
May 11, 2012 at 12:15 pm
Hey Jerry and all the HFH family,
I have been going to HFH almost 5 years and it is th most important time in my week-my therapy and my joy. Old Jasmine Rose always came to me and got some mushed up apple treats and I saw her whip some other horses into line! I said good-bye to the lovely old mare with cancer . Cowboy was an old sweetheart -so very dear. The most important thing is they had a haven to live out their lives as old horses with no demands made on them and no slaughter. I am crying for them and imploring St. Francis to take them to his heart.
I lost my old 23 year-old cat rescue last year and my 3 legged dog before that. I have another rescued dog and cat now and hope to add a horse soon. It is so hard to lose them but if we can give them them safety, care and most important love we have done the best we can.
BlessUsAll
May 11, 2012 at 5:27 pm
Bless you for bringing joy to the Habitat ranch horses every week (and your rescued dogs and cats daily), Pamela. And for bringing Jasmine Rose mushed apples (I thought I remembered Rose was her second name, but wasn’t positive; always assumed it was ‘cuz she had a rosy-colored sheen to her flea-bitten coat). Yes, I did notice she took no guff from any horse who got in her face. Good girl she was — and I’m sure still is!
Valerie Wehmueller
May 11, 2012 at 9:19 am
Your way with words, &, your stories, shared here, are so beautiful, so emotional. I was in tears reading them, remembering pets I’ve had & lost over the years, & sharing in your sadness & loss. You can rest assured that you gave all these horses & other creatures the one thing all want, love, unconditional love, & understanding. You gave them a better life, you gave them peace, you did the right thing when the time was right, although it’s really hard to know for sure when that right time is here, & it’s hard to let them go. But, they all will be in your heart & in your memories forever, until all cross that Rainbow Bridge & are reunited. I’m very sorry for your losses.
magiclady6698
May 11, 2012 at 8:38 am
Always room in my heart ~ my barn is full of rescued horses who will never leave the farm. My dogs were rescues, many of my cats, too….So Jerry, I have cried those tears too when life was no longer good, and I had to say goodbye… God has blessed us with a gift for boundless love for the creatures He put upon this earth.
Maria Norcia Santillanes
May 11, 2012 at 7:39 am
As I sit here with tears in my eyes … Bless you for the work you do.
~M
Beth
May 11, 2012 at 6:41 am
Thank you Jerry – your strength and courage to do this work is an inspiration. Next week I will bring one of our long-term residents to be closer to my home. Missy was snakebit, starving, crippled and pregnant when we rescued her. The baby did not survive. Her will to live and look after her friends at the ranch makes her a valuable and productive member of the herd. In her mind, her injuries do not limit her — but none the less, we manage her pain and symptoms as best we can. I have a job for her – to watch over my yearling colt, teach him boundaries and respect and to share her wisdom daily with me, my friends and family. We will see how she takes to it. You remind me that some horses are connected to their safe place and their herd rather than a person – so, I will take her back home if this does not work out. Bless you for all you do. I hope all of you who follow Jerry’s posts will consider taking in a rescue horse – it is a deep and rewarding privilege that will change you forever.
Pam
May 10, 2012 at 11:22 pm
Everytime an animal, particularly a rescue animal has come into my life and left a little bit of myself has left with them. I try not to dwell on memories, but when people say “he was the best dog” – I know I will cry for their loss after the visitor has left. We who care about those that no one else found a place in their heart for will always know that when they leave, just as we took them in, we keep a memory, a thought, a dream when they were with us.
BlessUsAll
May 10, 2012 at 10:39 pm
Today you wrote: “Jasmine came to the ranch far back in the beginning because she had no place else to go. We adopted her out three times and all three times she was only gone a few weeks. With each new family she either developed choke or colic and all three times she was returned. Our unwritten rule is that after three adoptions, the horse stays, and she did. She had no use for other horses, didn’t really care for people, but she felt safe here. This was her home.”
On April 18th, I wrote under your blog, “What does it matter?”: “Jerry, please give my love to sweet Jasmine, who stood with me quietly one day in the pasture as I poured my sad words into her understanding ears and salty tears into her rust-speckles coat. I had been told she was a stand-offish, unresponsive horse, but she acted like my best friend that afternoon. Ever since then, on my few and infrequent volunteer visits, she walks up to me as if she, too, remembers how Love bonded our hearts together as one.”
Jerry, I would be feeling guilty on top of my tears tonight had I not sent that last love message to Jasmine. I feel she must have heard it, either from your lips, if you delivered the message, or through her acute spiritual sense, which all equines possess.
I’m grateful to you, Jerry, for allowing Jasmine to feel safe and cared for lo those many years. She may not have expressed herself in ways obvious to us humans. Nonetheless, had she felt less than safe, less than loved, she would’ve manifested the same physical distress (effects of her unhappy state of mind) that she exhibited when away from her comfort zone: the ranch.
It goes without saying that I’m grateful to you for giving safety, love, respect, and comfort to every other equine whose hooves crossed the Habitat threshold. Now three more have crossed heaven’s threshold. They were already partway there, having spent time with you.
See you ’round the hay bale in heaven, sweet Jasmine. I know you’ll recognize me there, as you always did here, no matter how many months or even years between my visits. And when you see Jerry there one day — a long way off — you’ll positively jump for joy!
Linda Parker-Fedak
May 10, 2012 at 9:19 pm
Oh, so beautifully written! Once again, the tears fill my eyes! My one dream is to rescue all of the horses needing forever homes! I love them so much! But alas, I am a poor person struggling to find a job and earn a living. If only millions of people would buy my iPhone apps, my dream could come true! Please keep up the great work you do and please know that there are people out there who would love to take home your wonderful horses. You just haven’t found them yet..,
Debbie Stoutamire
May 10, 2012 at 8:38 pm
Thanks for sharing this, Jerry. I haven’t been able to get Cowboy – the old gelding with arthritis in this story, out of my mind this week. I sponsored him, and I have his picture on my wall in my study, on a table in my bedroom, but always, in my heart.
Linda
May 10, 2012 at 8:30 pm
I love how you share your life with all you save……Thank you and I know your pain and love you have for every critter you come in contact with. They are all blessed to have you love them Jerry.
There will be one hell of a party waiting for you when you cross over….God Bless you, Linda in Maine…..with one rescue horse, three rescue dogs and two rescue cats……
kathy medley
May 11, 2012 at 4:59 pm
I have taken in 7 horses in my “private retirement home”, so I know all of those feelings. Bless you, Jerry and all volunteers.